My Heartbreak Repair Project

Roughly one month ago my three-year relationship with an extraordinary woman came to an end. With the end of my relationship, a certain vision for how my life could be was swept away. I would not be the father to her children. We would not change the world together. Worse still, the most impressive person I have ever known feels as though she wasted years of life on me. I am not sure she is wrong.

I recall that first night sleeping alone. I was startled awake by the smell of fire. For the next several days the air outside my apartment was inhospitable to breath. Periodically I would see ash falling like tiny feathers in downtown Oakland. It eventually dawned on me that these falling flakes were all that remained of neighborhoods and parks I’d played in as a child. Perhaps also pets and people. My uncle’s home burned to the ground. My baby sister’s boyfriend, a firefighter, found four bodies amongst the ashes.

Prior to our break-up my partner and I had been tasked with caring for an elderly dog. His name was Sydney. Three days after we ended, Sydney was euthanized. A merciful conclusion to a bright and joyful life that had become too physically painful to carry on. Still though, the finality of it all seemed of a piece with the ashes, with the heartbreak too.

So what now? What do the initial steps of the rebuild entail? Truth is, I have no clue, but I do know what makes me feel better. Mostly there is music, often there is alcohol, but always there is someone in the scene with something to teach me. Whether it is an author I adore, a podcast, a particularly insightful friend or relative, or even a social media feed, soaking up the beauty and wisdom of others has been the best medicine for melancholy I have been able to find.

With that in mind, I have decided to pay tribute to the people who’ve provided me this anesthetic. Call it a “gratitude challenge” if you like. My hope is that by sharing the people, the work, and the wisdom that is helping me through this, I will not only force myself to linger a bit longer in what feels good but also perhaps provide others something worthwhile.